I woke this morning with a burst of panic in my gut. More than that, I actually had a full-blown panic attack. I lay there, wondering “What the $%^&!” Because it’s been awhile.
My first thoughts took me racing for an answer. Because the faulty idea is that if you can find the source, you can shut it down. Cataloging everything that could have set this in motion. With a history of various health problems, naturally that’s where my brain went.
Then I backed up a step.
Now mind you, it’s taken a lot of work to get here. Meaning, I don’t let this just take me for a ride like it used to. The trick is to be mindful that, hey, this is just another panic attack and it will pass. Just like all the other uncomfortable sequela of old trauma.
Because childhood trauma still lives in the mind as a brain map. Your brain is doing what it has always done, which is to try to keep you safe. Anything in your environment that reminds your survival system of past assaults may set this cascade of feelings in motion.
Even when you’ve healed and moved on.
I realized, in this instance, it’s the unrelenting stress of several difficult tasks piling up on me, family members in crisis, and health challenges run amuck. Oh, and yeah, today is the anniversary of a house fire that took half my family when I was seven years old.
I do not replay this stuff to distress anyone or so you can feel sorry for me. What I would like to do is point out an important reality…
Living with a traumatic past means that you learn to adapt to the ways your brain and body may still be reflecting those experiences back at you. It’s normal. No, you haven’t failed to heal and no you don’t have to start over again. This is just your new normal. AND IT IS OKAY.
It is absolutely possible to live a meaningful life after a traumatic experience. Even multiple ones.
I’ve been reading Surviving Survival: The Art and Science of Resilience, by Laurence Gonzales. An absolute powerhouse of useful information about what gets us back on the road after a traumatic event. What are the proven strategies after you’ve survived the unthinkable?
I highly recommend it to anyone still looking for answers on how to keep rebuilding. As I always am.
One of those strategies is what Gonzales calls “the seeking pathway.” This is a pathway in your brain that when activated, can bring you away from “the rage pathway,” which is basically your survival response. To get past the constant activation of survival mechanisms and seek something new – learning a new language, a new skill, a new creative or physical hobby. These can save you when you are trying to rebuild your life. There is solid brain science here.
Oh, and one more thing. As I lay there, mostly calm in the face of the storm raging in me, I realized that this is just a “part” of me that holds that old trauma. I had slipped into that part of me because my coping mechanisms have been breaking down with too much piling up all at once.
Time to take a self-compassion break and put it all down for a few minutes… or maybe a whole day.
The more mindful you become of what is really happening, the freer you will be to navigate the challenges of a body and brain that have been conditioned by catastrophe. And trust me, it will soften. It does get better. You do move on.
Then, when the anniversaries of those events come around again, as they inevitably do, you will be ready.
Until next time,
Anne
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