It’s 6:30 a.m. on a crisp (actually freezing!) January morning in Montana. I’m here taking a much-needed breather and regrouping after a busy holiday season.
Like many people, I left the holidays feeling a bit deflated and inert. Rush, rush, rush, and then… crash. Tired, and not quite ready to pick up and get going again. Not a great way to start a new year, but not unusual for most of us.
We get so caught up in the hustle and bustle, when it’s all over it’s difficult to get back in the saddle. And it leaves behind just a tiny bit of melancholy. Maybe more than usual this year.
2020 is behind us, but I think most of us are wondering if 2021 is going to be any better.
We’re already more than two weeks into the new year and I haven’t’ even formulated My Plan yet – the list of goals I plan to accomplish in the coming year. It keeps me on track to accomplish what is important to me.
But lately, nothing seems important. I’ve been bitten by the “what’s the point?” bug. Perhaps this is a reflection of the general pit of discouragement we’ve all fallen into.
Or maybe it’s just me.
At any rate, it has thrown me into a week of introspection, looking for a spark to relight the fire. I have mentally cleared the slate of absolutely everything and sat in silence with one question.
“What will bring me the most peace and fulfillment?”
Not “what do I want?” Chasing that ever advancing, elusive carrot implies that our happiness depends on acquiring something in the future. It feeds the “I will be happy when…” mantra.
No wonder it all seems pointless. We never actually arrive. And in a world where chaos has lately reigned, the future appears a bit shaky and arrival uncertain.
As I sit here, I notice through the window the deep white fog that has fallen over the fields surrounding my sister’s property. The freshly fallen snow. The dark pine trees that stand starkly against a wintery backdrop of an earth locked in frozen rest.
I cease thinking and striving, and I just sit here. Now, in this moment.
And I am at peace. There is joy here.
The Plan, I have decided, is not my next goal (I’m trying really hard not to make it this).
It is to live in this moment, right here, right now. To acquire the peace and joy that are only found in being fully present to my life. Because everything else is just a story of the future. It is borrowed happiness.
And it is a poor substitute for this moment.
Until next time,
Anne
If you’re not sure how to sit with yourself in silence, try Heart Activated Breathing. Instructions for that are found here: https://www.thesurvivorscompass.com/online-resources/